The Phantom Menace In 3D – I Hope It Fails Miserably

The Phantom Menace In 3DI’ll warn you in advance… I have a feeling this is going to turn into a bit of a rant.  I have a feeling that I may insult a few folks and for that I apologize, but quite frankly I’m at the end of my rope.  Don’t say I didn’t give you a head’s up.

My respect for George Lucas is officially gone.  The man that created what I consider to be the greatest series of films ever has finally gone too far.  There was a day long ago where the idea of sitting down with the bearded and plaid clad Lucas would have a been a dream come true for me.  Not anymore.

Next month The Phantom Menace is going to be back in theaters… in 3D.  You remember the Phantom Menace right?  It was the piece of shit movie that George gave us that kicked off the prequel trilogy.  Yeah… that one.  When the 10 year anniversary of TPM rolled around, I wrote this post about how I was done defending Lucas.  I just re-read it and I stand by it 100%.

Now to the real crux of this post.  George Lucas I have a question for you sir.  How much fucking money do you need?  When will enough be enough?  Cause let’s face it… that’s all you care about these days.

Why else would you re-release your legacy in 3D?  I’m pretty sure the, “I’m still tinkering with my story to give you my original vision,” line of bullshit is completely out the window at this point.  Do you honestly think we’ll believe that you wanted that stupid ass “NOOO” from Vader at the end of Jedi?  Come on dude.

I could even get behind this 3D thing if you came out and said something to the effect of, “I wanted to see how my films would look with today’s technology.”   But let’s face it sir… the only films that you’ve made that people still want to see these days are your original trilogy.  The crap that you put out starting with Phantom Menace no one wants to see.  The fact that you’re going to rape us for the additional 3D fees just really pisses me off.  THAT is why I hope this movie fails at the box office.  It’s time to start voting with our dollars.

I didn’t buy Star Wars on Blu-ray when it came out.  (Luckily Pip did 😉 )  To be fair, I don’t own a Blu-ray player at all, but when I get one you can rest assured that Star Wars won’t be my first purchase.  Old Uncle George already has enough of my money with what seem like annual releases of his saga.  If George wants to get any more of my money for a home video release, he’s going to have to give me the ORIGINAL versions of Star Wars, Empire and Jedi.  I don’t want special editions where Han looks like a pussy and doesn’t shoot first.  I don’t want CGI-laden crap where Darth Vader has no eyebrows and I don’t want 36 hours of commentary from George and other producers telling me why I should love these versions.

I didn’t head to the theater the last time Star Wars was in theaters… you know why?  Cause it was essentially nothing more than 2 episodes of a crappy television show that George decided to slap together and call a feature film.  I fully recognize that The Clone Wars isn’t for me.  My kids love it and to George’s credit I don’t ever recall him saying that he was trying to appease fans like me.  He’s more interested in action figure sales.

Merchandising…

I like action figures.  I’ve always enjoyed collecting and playing with them.  Because of that, there is a nostalgia around these products for me.  And good ol George capitalizes on that better than anyone.  But enough is enough.

The original Kenner line of Star Wars action figures was around from 1977 to 1985.  During that time there were “only” 115 action figures released.  12 figures per year isn’t too much to ask for from a collector especially when you figure in the price of the toys back then. By comparison, the “Vintage Collection” from 2010-2011 contains 98 figures.  That’s an average of 49 figures per year for ONE LINE.  Factor in the other lines (Saga Legends, Clone Wars, Legacy Collection) and you can just start to see why collectors might get pissed.

But I can’t put all the blame on George for this stuff.  After all… if there weren’t folks buying it he wouldn’t put it out right?

Exclusive Star Wars Action FiguresFolks, if you get excited by a “packaging variant” you’re a dork.  Do you buy your toys specifically to keep them in the package and get them “graded”?  You’re wasting your money and kind of pathetic in my book.  Did you pay more for an “exclusive” version of a figure cause it was packaged differently?  Seriously?  Just as it’s George’s “right” to remake his movies as often as he likes, it’s your “right” to spend your money any way that you see fit and “collect” anything that you want to collect.  And it’s my “right” to laugh at you and write about it here.

Yep… I do a bit of collecting myself.  But you know what I do when I get home with my action figures?  I open that shit up…

Would it be nice to take my kids to see Star Wars on the big screen?  Sure it would.  But I can’t in good conscience give George Lucas one more dime of my hard earned money.  I honestly think that the ONLY way it will stop is if one of these projects crashes and burns.  What if they LOSE money on this Phantom Menace release?  That’s not going to happen, but boy would that be AWESOME. If it sounds like I’m bitter its cause I am.  Star Wars was a huge part of my childhood and at this point I feel like I’m being taken advantage of by a flash in the pan filmmaker who hasn’t had an original idea since 1983.  Except of course which action figure will bring in the most cash.

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7 Comments

  1. Han shot first. Nuff said.

  2. Not only did Han shoot first, but Han is also a Broncos fan. I’ve even seen him Tebowing.

  3. Screw the disclaimer at the beginning, I don’t think you ranted enough. Like you said, at least TELL me you want to see how it looks with new technology. Fluff me a little, lie to me, make me feel special. If I already feel like George Lucas’s whore, I at least want to feel pretty.

  4. Lucas totally needs to re-release the Christmas Special as a 3d feature film.

    • @kd – Knowing the bearded one, that’s probably not too far off. There’s got to be a bunch of folks out there that would go just to “see Star Wars on the big screen”. Lame.

  5. George Lucas once said, “A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing.” Yet this is the same guy that gave us Phantom Menace. Can you say “ironic”.

    And if you’re looking for about the best review of Phantom Menace you’ll ever see, check this out http://youtu.be/fIWKMgJs_Gs

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