50 Shades Of Boredom – Fifty Shades Of Grey Review

Fifty Shades Of GreyBack in 2011, E. L. James released the first book in her Fifty Shades Trilogy known simply as Fifty Shades Of Grey.  I ran across an article in TIME the other day talking about how people are already boycotting the upcoming Fifty Shades movie that’s set to premier this weekend and it reminded me that I’d read this and never posted a review here on the site.

SPOILER ALERT: I’m going speak openly about the “plot” of the book so if you didn’t happen to read one of the 70 million copies that have been sold and you don’t want to be spoiled you should skip and come back after you’ve read it.

You know how I know the Fifty Shades Of Grey movie is going to suck?  Cause the source material sucks.  This is honestly a really boring book.  I finally caved and picked it up just so I could figure out what all the hub bub was. I can honestly say I don’t get it.

Fifty Shades Of Grey Plot Summary

Anastasia “Ana” Steele is a college student who writes for her student newspaper. She interviews super rich magnate Christian Grey who she finds incredibly gorgeous. Through a series of really contrived occurences we come to find out that Christian is into some super kinky sex and wants Ana to be his sub. He asks her to sign a contract to be his submissive.

We then get a couple of hundred pages of them fucking, engaging in bondage, meeting each other’s parents, flying airplanes, riding in helicopters, fucking, riding in cars, having awkward conversation and fucking. Oh yeah… and they fuck. The book ends with Ana deciding that she’s not really cut out for this lifestyle after all and she leaves Christian.

There are two more books in this trilogy so I’m guessing they’ll get back together, but I’ll never know.


If you can’t tell by now, I’m not a fan of Fifty Shades.  The way we’re introduce to both Ana and Christian there’s absolutely no way that they’d ever end up together. I’m all for suspending disbelief (hell, I’m a pro wrestling fan) but this is just ridiculous. Ana is shown to be a very timid individual and Christian is show to be incredibly strong willed and powerful. In reality, it’s a HUGE stretch to believe Ana would ever put herself into these situations, sign any sort of agreement to be a submissive, etc. etc. etc.

The sex. This series of books has sold over 70 million copies. I can only assume that many of these copies were sold just to find out what all the hype was about. It certainly was for me. Honestly the description of the sex in this book is pedestrian at best and after the first time becomes very repetitive and rather boring. After all, there’s only so many euphemisms for male genitalia and only so many ways to talk about boning. I’m a married guy so I can’t speak to the psyche of the suburban housewife and whether or not this type of story appeals to them. To me it didn’t. If I’m being honest, I found myself skimming over the sex scenes to get to the story. Can you imagine a dude fast forwarding a porn to get the plot? And therein lies the problem with Fifty Shades Of Grey. It’s not sexy enough to hold my attention nor is there a compelling enough story.

The Movie

I’ve not seen the theatrical version of this story. And unless Wife decides she wants to see it (which is highly unlikely) I doubt I ever will. I simply can’t see how the flick is going to be a success.  After all, it isn’t going to be a full blown porn. It’s a rated R theatrical release. Without the sex, the story isn’t going to hold up.  That said, 70 million copies can’t be wrong.  There’s going to be a hell of a lot of people that go to see the movie just to see the train wreck. And because of that it’ll probably make a boatload at the box office.

If you’re one of those curious folks who’s not read Fifty Shades and you want to know what the hell everyone’s talking about, you can pick it up on Amazon here: Fifty Shades of Grey (Fifty Shades, Book 1)

What do you think. Have you read Fifty Shades Of Grey?

Update 2/15/2015

Even though it’s getting terrible reviews, it appears I was right. After opening nationwide on 2/13 as of this update, the film which had a budget of $40 million has already raked in nearly $240 million!

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