Videos Today… Wow. Just Wow.

I’m old enough to remember a time where MTV played videos.  I’m also old enough to really not have time for the garbage that MTV currently has in their lineup.  Actually, now that I think about it, that last statement isn’t fair.  At this point I really don’t know what MTV is playing these days cause I was turned off by the rash of crap (16 And Pregnant, Jersey Shore, The Real World, etc.) they were showing.  But I digress…

So I’m at the gym this morning running the elliptical like the hamster that I am, and one of the TV screens was showing videos.  I’m sure it wasn’t MTV cause you know… they don’t play videos, but I started watching.  I’ve long been one of those people that bitches about how MTV no longer plays videos and that they should get back to it.  Yeah… I’m gonna change my tune there.  No one should be showing videos anymore.  They’re crap.

I’ll preface this by saying that I wasn’t actually LISTENING to these videos.  I was just watching them on the screen while listening to my iPod.  Now that I’ve actually listened to them they’re a LITTLE better… but not much.  I’ll also say that I’m super out of touch with what’s popular music these days that I may be way off base here.  Essentially the only time I hear “new” music is when the wife makes me watch the Grammy’s.  So yeah… I know who Adele is and I know that Nicki Minaj is a train wreck.

The All American Rejects – Beekeeper’s Daughter – So I’m watching this and I literally can’t tell if it’s a high school musical ripoff or some sort of acid trip gone wrong.  We’ve got Sharks vs. Jets, we’ve got Glee inspired dance routines and the dude wearing pants (pink pants by the way… what the hell?) so tight that I can see his pulse.  Speaking of that dude.  Is it me or is he wearing a watch around his bicep?  And just when I thought this couldn’t get any weirder… boom.  Wayne Newton.  What?  Wayne FUCKING  Newton???  He was awesome in Vegas Vacation and that James Bond flick License To Kill but honestly, I thought he was dead.

Toby Keith – Red Solo Cup – Next up was this gem.  Holy shit.  There’s a dude signing about the greatest drinking cup alive?  This I can get behind.  Granted, I don’t need to see a video about it but it was kind of cool to see a video that was essentially a 406 Northlane party.  And if the All American Rejects called in a few favors to get a “celebrity” in their video, then Toby Keith absolutely kicked their ass.  Larry Legend, Roger Clemens (really?), Ted Nugent & The Red Rocker himself Sammy Hagar (just to name a few).  Well done Toby Keith… you’re the man!!!  And then I listened to it.  Shit.  It’s a mix between Charlie Daniels and a retarded guy playing a banjo.  Really?  A banjo?  Pretty sure I’m 5 IQ points dumber just for listening to this song.

Jessie J – Domino – I’m not really sure what to think about this one.  I’ve never done acid but I’m guessing this is what life is like when tripping.  She’s wearing a unitard that blends into the background which happens to be constantly morphing.  Then she’s wearing striped (yeah… striped) lipstick and looks like she’s right out of a Debbie Gibson video.  Incidentally… have you seen Debbie  (now going by Deborah) Gibson lately?  Smoking hot.  After listening to this one I really can’t tell if it’s Jessie J or Katy Perry singing.  From a video perspective I much prefer a girl shooting fireworks out of her boobs to this.

Lady Gaga – Born This Way – Last up in my mind altering elliptical ride was this one.  I have to admit that I’m familiar with Gaga and this song.  That said, seeing this video wasn’t really all that shocking.  She’s weird and I don’t think I’m telling anyone anything that they don’t know.  However, in doing a bit of research for this post, I ran across this 7 minute version of the video complete with a “birth” scene intro straight out of the Matrix.  This was a decent song, but I have to say that I liked it more 20 years ago when Madonna sang it and called it Express Yourself.

In an unrelated note, I’m coming out with a new line of clothing where I take shit from around the house and wear it on my head and call it fashion.  My kids are gonna be pissed when they find their Legos and puzzles missing, but when they see Super Dad walking the red carpet wearing their toys I’m guessing they’ll be proud.