Is My Childhood Being Raped?

I was born in the mid 70’s. It was before we had hundreds of channels on TV and it was before there was a blockbuster a week in the theaters.  There are comic, cartoon and movie properties that are so ingrained into my being that they are a part of me… and they’re all being redone for the sake of the almighty dollar.

My Childhood

Star Wars, G.I. Joe, Transformers, Halloween, Friday The 13th, Tron… I could go on and on.  It seems as if Hollywood is completely devoid of any original ideas these days.  Don’t get me wrong – some of these movies are great.  I completely enjoyed Transformers as well as the sequel Transformer 2: Revenge of The Fallen.  I have yet to see G.I. Joe but I’m sure that I’ll enjoy that one as well purely based on nostalgia value… and therein lies the problem.  Since I’m enjoying them it means OTHER people are enjoying them.  It means they’re making money.  It means that the cycle will not stop anytime soon.

I’ve ranted here about my feelings on the current state of the Star Wars universe so I won’t bother rehashing it.  But the more I think about these remakes, reboots and re-imaging I just get this feeling of “something’s not quite right”.  My memories of playing with those toys, watching those cartoons, and having those adventures are precious to me.  Now I’ve got to assimilate all of this new information into those memories and I simply cannot process it.  I have less of a problem with the Transformers  and G.I. Joe‘s of the world – those are merely being told in a new media.  It’s kind of cool actually to see a “real life” Optimus Prime or Storm Shadow.  What really gets me is these reboots.  It’s a story that has been told (successfully I might add)… STOP THE MADNESS.

Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Halloween – these are three of the most well known horror franchises of all time.  They’re good cause of what they are.  Please leave them alone.  The fact that Rob Zombie’s Halloween was a good retelling doesn’t change the fact that it should never have been made.

Tron – seriously?  Were there really people out there clamoring for a retelling of Tron?  Go back and watch it… it’s a clever story but it’s already been retold.  It was called The Matrix.

Robocop – again… the idea is played out.  I don’t need another version of an ass-kicking cyborg.

Ghostbusters – please God… do not allow this to happen.  Especially after all these years.  The first movie is a classic and the second is pretty damned good too.  We do not need a follow up to this.  Didn’t we learn anything the Indiana Jones experiment?

I’m begging Hollywood to please allow my childhood to stay intact.  Please give my kids their own movies, toys and properties to love.  There’s no reason they have to enjoy the same stuff that I did when I was growing up.  You want to really get sick?  Here’s a list of stuff that’s currently in the works:

  • Romancing The Stone – I don’t see how this one could be made better.
  • Back To School – talk about getting no respect… Rodney I’m sure is rolling in his grave.
  • Conan – haven’t we seen enough bad Arnold franchises try to come back?
  • The Karate Kid – with none other than Will Smith’s son Jaden in the lead roll.
  • Footloose – staring… Zac Effron.  Fuck me.
  • Short Circuit – this is one that I like but let’s be honest… it sucked the first time around.

Pissed off yet?  I could go on and on.  You know what REALLY upsets me?  I’m going to see each and every one of those movies thus continuing this sad trend of recycled garbage.  Ughh.

5 thoughts on “Is My Childhood Being Raped?

  1. You’re right – I remembered/realized that after I wrote the post. I suppose my point still stands… I just don’t think there are too many people out there clamoring for a new Tron story after more than 20 years. That would be like giving us a new Rambo or Rocky movie after all that time… oh wait…

  2. Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Halloween – *snipped*
    I’ve only ever seen the Halloween movies and part of Friday The 13th, but… You don’t remake classic horror. Seriously… These days, horror movies aren’t even horror movies… They’re all blow your heart through your chest, shock value mindfucks. It isn’t horror. It doesn’t make you scream, it gives you nightmares and has you about to stroke out.

    They could very easily RUIN all of these… On top of that, the last thing we need is to sit in the theater watching a crappy remake and hear “Awwww, c’mon you idiot! Don’t go in there! He’s gonna kill you!”

    Tron – *snipped*
    I’ve only seen part of Tron. It was good though. Seriously though, although a sequel might be bitchin’, there’s the fact that special effects are way too advanced now. Star Wars is a GREAT series, don’t get me wrong, but… A New Hope was awesome. Empire kind of sucked, but still, it was cool. Return was on par with A New Hope, and resolved the story. Enter: The Phantom Menace: Special effects just don’t fit, although the duel between the Jedi and Darth Maul was rather awesome.
    Enter: The Clone Wars: This is to the prequel series what Empire was to the originals. Plot building. For God’s sake, could they have made the whole Anakin/Padme thing any more sickeningly sweet?
    Enter: Revenge Of The Sith: Finally, we get one almost on par with A New Hope… Almost. …nd we get a funny meme because some dude in like, China or Korea (I think it was one of the two) translated Darth’s “NNNNOOOOOOOOO!” as “DO NOT WANT!” You just can’t make a movie fit into a series or make a sequel to an older movie with special effects twenty years or more later. Doesn’t work.
    (Side note: I saw the re-release of the original Trilogy in the theaters… EPIC! Got me hooked right then and there.)

    Robocop – *snipped*
    They just can’t outdo the original. Furthermore, unless they could get most of the original actors, it’s fucked over.

    Ghostbusters – *snipped*
    You cannot remake Ghostbusters… There is no way it will ever stack up to the original… Even another movie added to the series would be horrible at this point.

    Back To School – *snipped*
    God, what won’t they do?
    Conan – *snipped* *sigh* *as The Governator* DON’T REMAKE MY MOVIES!
    The Karate Kid – *snipped* Just… no…
    “Footloose – staring… Zac Effron. Fuck me.” *facepalm* I don’t have the words…
    Short Circuit – *snipped* At this point, it would be “Johnny five is… A pathetic remake of an old movie!”
    “What God wants, he keeps!” *Johnny laughing* “That joke sucked balls the first time around!”

    Wow… Never have I commented so much, but…
    I’m with you, brother. Hollywood needs to get off their lazy couch-padding and write something new. Is it that hard to come up with something that hasn’t been made into a movie?

  3. Aaron – agree with most of what you said with one HUGE exception… “Empire kind of sucked”??? Wow… couldn’t disagree more. That might actually be my favorite (or a close second to A New Hope)

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